February 16, 2013
Okay, all you people at the pizza place tonight, here’s what actually happened with the nutsoid family in the center of the room there.
See, the five-year-old–let’s call him Leo–is a little antsy. Sometimes he can’t sit still in a restaurant seat.
So sometimes his dad–let’s call him Beaven–makes him sit in a booster seat. That’s how he gets Leo to sit still.
Now, sometimes his brother–let’s call him Guy-Jack–gets a little impatient with Leo. It’s understandable, given how antsy Leo is.
So what happened tonight was this: They were all watching the Duke game. And all of a sudden, Leo started crawling under the table. Under the table! In the restaurant!
Well, Beaven immediately went to the wait stand to grab a booster seat. Because, you know, under the table.
Guy-Jack started grabbing Leo and trying to drag him out from under the table. Beaven came back with the booster seat and started fussing at Leo. Leo started screaming, “STOP IT EVERYBODY!” Everyone’s decibel level was increasing, and even Mom’s (let’s call her Zara) gentle, “Oh, Leo, it’s just so that you can see the TV better” wasn’t having a calming effect.
Suddenly, Leo screamed, “IT’S THAT FRIGGINDARN BAD COMMERCIAL!” at the top of his lungs.
It wasn’t quite on the same plane as the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally, but it was close.
ESPN, in complete defiance of the families who would like to watch some sports with their five-year-old kids, insists on playing violent, suggestive, and just plain wrong commercials during their sports programs. This infuriates Beaven and Zara, but they’ve tried to teach their kids to look away during the nasty ones.
Leo, who is capable of occasional flashes of obedience, was trying to be a good kid and hide from the friggindarn bad commercial.
Bless his heart.
Zara didn’t get a chance to explain this to everyone in the restaurant before she left.
So, if you were there, she just wanted you to know. That’s what happened. Don’t judge me, as Guy-Jack (in common with all his cohort) likes to say.